My Kind of Bike Show
May 2005
It is spring and all of the winter-long bike building projects are coming together and finishing-off and they are all heading to the proving grounds, the bike show. I, personally, have been to five bike shows since the beginning of the calendar year and I am getting quite an education in the running and judging of the average bike show.
Now, I had always assumed as a spectator of the bike show that there were a few classifications for judging to keep the choppers from competing with the sport bikes and the stock bikes from the custom classes. After all, not all bikes are created equal. They all may be fruit, but they are as varied as apples and oranges.
I also previously labored under the assumption that there were winners in each classification and then the one big “best of show” bike that trumped them all.
My evolution from spectator (who rarely ever saw the awards ceremony) to entrant (who is nearly required by law to attend) came with my boyfriend’s ownership interest in one of these fine radical show bikes. We have now been “entrants” in numerous bike shows and I have gotten to see, first hand, the complexity of the bike show.
Allow me to reveal the truth about some of my misconceptions on the bike show.
First, there seem to be no losers. Everyone who enters a bike show (at least the major ones) gets something. I could roll my 1983 stock Honda Nighthawk with the bent clutch lever and electrical-taped left turn signal into the Super Cycle Show in Chicago and get at the least a plaque for “Out of State Exhibitor”. I would think that I should qualify for the “Most Guts by an Out of State Exhibitor” but I don’t think that they have that category. Or do they?
Second misconception: There are maybe a half dozen classes. No way! Take a look at the bike classifications in just one show!
Restored Bike, Restored Custom Bike, Chopper, Sport Touring Bike, Road Bike, Sport Bike, Bike w/Side Car, Scooter, Contemporary Bike, North American Mfg. Custom – Full, North American Mfg. Conservative, North American Mfg. Radical, Asian Custom, Street Racer, Café Racer Class, Antique/Classics Un-restored, Over 1000 Super Radical, Most Unusual, Two Wheel Auto Engine, Full Dresser & Touring, Antique/Classics Restored, Three Wheeler Class, 0 to 650 Class, 750 to 1000 Class, Sportster Stock, Sportster Custom, Over 1000 Custom, Over 1000 Stock, Rat Class, Ladies of Harley, Radical Custom (Frame Modifications), Best Paint, Best Engine, Best Chrome, Best Engineered, Best of Show, Sprint “H” , Minicycle/Scooter/Powercycle, ….. And I’m not even going to list the British and European classes! Add in that each of these categories get further split into “Left side drive” and “Right side drive” and “Rubber mounted” and “Hard tail” and “Soft tail” and so many more I can’t even remember!
It all seems a bit overwhelming to me. Really, does the difference between left and right side drive truly divide the style, engineering, and finish merits of any two bikes? In my experience, the Judge’s personal taste greatly influences the awards anyway. Having said that, I think that I am going to have my own bike show and we are going to award only those things that really matter to us. This is going to be “The Ladies’ Choice Bike Show”. It would be a bike show that is run by women, organized by women, judged by women and the classes will be picked by women. I think it would go something like this:
Married Men: Bikes owned by Men who are Married (First, Second and Third places will be awarded and honored with little bitty trophies because the wife won’t let you display them anyway)
Single Men: Bikes owned by Single Men (Trophies will be awarded to all entrants in this class, all really big and all awarded personally by my single girlfriends to serve as a “mixer”)
Best Seating: Bikes with passenger seats only, please. (Awards will be given for the biggest, softest and most comfortable seats. Points will be deducted if the passenger seats look like they have seen a lot of use.)
Best Audio: Bikes with stereos (CD players receive extra points but points will be deducted if you have a CB installed)
Best Wind Break: Bikes with fairings (especially those really big ones that keep the rider warm and her hair from getting all messy)
Best Vibration: (Judges will be specially trained and timed on their judging runs)
Foot Pegs (Choppers where the passenger looks like a jockey riding a horse will be disqualified, floor boards get extra points)
Cargo Space (If you have a bike that can pack a picnic, my purse, a change of clothes, a case of beer on ice, and a vanity mirror, you are strongly urged to enter)
Haute Couture: Entrants will be judged on how they look with their bikes. (350 lb men with Sportsters and men wearing $500.00 Helmets and $1,200 leathers that exactly match their $400.00 paint jobs are discouraged from entering)
Cleanest Bike: It is the opinion of the judges that any man who will spend 8 hours polishing his bike but is completely unable to wash dishes after dinner has a serious mental defect. You may enter your bike in this classification only if you bring a recent photo of your kitchen counter, bedroom closet floor and that little space between the back of the toilet and the bathroom wall. If your house is as clean as your bike, you have a good chance at top prize.
Trailer Nazis: This category is for the men who wouldn’t be caught dead trailering their bikes to any event no matter how far away it is. All entrants must wear their “Silly, Yuppie, Trailers are for Boats” tee shirts and be able to prove they have never trailered. Such proof may be in the form of hail dents from that 2003 trip to Sturgis, heat shields scratched from trying to avoid that Armadillo north of Houston, a cracked headlight from following that semi in Alabama, leather fringe that is permanently bent as if in motion, even at a complete standstill, etc. Top prize in this category wins a 2 bike trailer and a new tee shirt, and our undying respect for being a true tough guy.
Pets: Any one who can teach a dog to sit on a passenger seat is doing better than some people I know with a really drunk girlfriend. Kudos to you! They draw attention, attract chicks and don’t need to stop nearly as often to pee as most passengers. We want you in the show!
Widest Rear Tire: All entrants must safely maneuver their bikes through a measured “figure 8” to qualify for the top prize. If you can’t do it, you have reached the point where your back tire is too wide.
Women’s Bikes: (You are all winners anyway so as long as you ride it in, you get a prize)
And that is how I see it, From Behind The Lens.
Colleen Swartz
Your comments or story ideas are always welcome at bigshotphoto@aol.com.
