Two leprechauns have a bet. To settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Superior answers the door, and says “Oh my goodness! Its a leprechaun!” The first Leprechaun replies, “Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?” “No, little man, there are no nuns in my convent that are your size.” “All righty then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland, that are my size?” “No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size.” “All righty then. One more question: Are there any nuns in all of the world, that are my size?” “No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!” “Okay then.” The second leprechaun starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say “You see, I told you you screwed a penguin!”

J Sikora



A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The little man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?” The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.” The small guy says, “Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn around”!

Chuck Eglhaut



Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Flake



A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem. Her two female parrots have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has visitors, the two parrots embarrass her by saying, in unison, 'Hi ! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?' To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile, explaining that he has two male parrots which he has trained to pray and who've become very observant, spending much of the day praying in their cage. He's confident that if the woman brings her two parrots over to his house, his two parrots will exert such a positive influence that her birds will turn into model parrots. The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's house and brings her two parrots into his home. As she looks around, she notices a large cage with two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny tallis (prayer shawl) and each holding a miniature prayer book while they rock back and forth in prayer. Sure enough, as soon as she places her female parrots in the cage, they shout out to their male counterparts: 'Hi! We're hookers. Want to have some fun?' One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the other, squawking: 'Moishe, put the fucking book down. Our prayers have been answered!'

Mac Chambers



A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible. ' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.' Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.' Bartender 'What about that eye patch?' Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looke d up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Rich



At Penn State University, four sophomores each had an "A" going in chemistry. These four friends were so confident in their grades that they decided to visit some out of town friends for a big party the weekend before their final exam on Monday. They had a great time but after all their hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to campus until mid-morning on Monday. Rather than arrive late for the final, they decided to skip it and later explain to their professor why they had missed it. They told him they had visited friends over the weekend but on the way back had a flat tire and, as a result, arrived back too late to take the test. The professor seemed understanding enough and agreed they could take a make up exam the next day. The guys were so relieved! Back at the dorm, they congratulated themselves on their clever story and then hit the chemistry books all night. The next morning the professor placed each student in a separate room and gave each a test booklet. All four quickly answered the first five problems on page one. Cool! Each in his separate room, believed this exam was going to be a cinch. Each student eagerly turned to the second page where each, in his separate room, read: "For 95 points: Which Tire?_______"

Mac Chambers



A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally..... I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Flake



I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "Wow" - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night". I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake"? Flake A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three mean bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Chuck Eglhaut